Skill: Planned Ignoring

Skill: Planned Ignoring
When to use it: For whining, mild sibling rivalry, attention-seeking behaviors, tantrums, and other annoying but non-harmful child behaviors.
In a nutshell: Pay attention to what you want to see more of. If you don't want a child to repeat a behavior, give it as little time and attention as possible. Parental attention is one of the biggest reinforcers of a child's behavior. For behaviors that are only annoying (sometimes even extremely annoying) but don't hurt people or property, sometime the best discipline is simply to not give the inappropriate behavior any attention. Most of these behaviors (almost 90% of them) will simply go away within 1 min 45 seconds.

Picture this situation. You are in the kitchen making dinner. Your four-year-old comes in and asks for a popsicle. You explain that dinner is coming soon, and it isn't time for popsicles. Can you guess what comes next? Maybe on another planet, the child would say, "No problem, Mom. I'm glad you make sure I get proper nutrition. Can I help you cook while I wait?" At my house, however, there are usually tears and tragedy. "But I waaaaaaaana popsicle! I don't waaaaaaant dinner. I haaaaaaaaaate dinner!" Instead of going into a dissertation about the health merits of carrots versus popsicles, fussing even louder and more inappropriately than your child, or getting yourself all in a tizzy about how ungrateful your children are when you sacrifice to provide such a lovely dinner, try this: Show a bit of empathy and then IGNORE! Say something like, "You'll feel better soon," "It's hard to have to wait for treats," or "I'm sorry you're sad." And then, go about your business. Set the table, stir the soup, turn on the radio, or lift up your chin and sing a song. Don't look at or talk to the one misbehaving. Don't put on the sadness and drama of an aristocrat heading to the guillotine. And then time the misbehavior. Dr. Latham (The Making of a Stable Family) has researched this method and has found that almost 90% of these inconsequential behaviors will extinguish within 1 min 45 seconds. (Some behaviors, like full-blown tantrums, can take longer.) Most behaviors will self-eliminate within half a minute. When the misbehavior ends, use it as a cue to use positive reinforcement by giving attention to the child again. Say something like, "Would you like to taste the soup?" or "I love it when you are with me." Later, find opportunities to role-play the appropriate behavior with your child. Teach your child what you expect them to do when they get a No answer. We'll discuss this proactive teaching strategy later.

Try using Planned Ignoring for sibling rivalry, tantrums, whining, teenage trash talk ("I hate this house! I hate these rules!"), and any other annoying behaviors that don't hurt people or property. You'll save your energy for dealing with the big issues, your kids won't learn to tune out the constant mommy blah-blah, and some of the most annoying child behaviors just might go away. Yea!!!!!

Try this: Make a list of all the things your kids do that drive you nuts. Now, put a star by the misbehaviors that are Consequential (things that hurt people or property). You may be surprised that most of your list is made up of Inconsequential Behaviors--highly annoying but not highly harmful. Choose a couple of these annoying behaviors and write them down where you can see them. For the next couple of weeks, look at these behaviors each morning. Practice in your mind what you are going to say when they occur. Imagine yourself staying in control, keeping your chin up, making a brief empathetic comment, and simply ignoring the misbehavior. How long does the misbehavior last? As you practice this skill, you'll notice the misbehaviors decreasing. If kids learn that misbehavior doesn't get them precious parental attention, they will be less likely to misbehave. Send in your comments and share how it is working! How long do misbehaviors last when you use planned ignoring? Good luck! Remember: Pay attention to what you want to see more of!

Another entry will deal with the other category--Consequential Behaviors. Get ready to stay in control and be consistent!