What are the Affects of Pornography?

Pornography is addictive. "The brain processes all images ... as real. These images trigger a chemical secretion of the body's sex hormones while shutting down the left hemisphere's cognition, logic and speech. Erotic images physically restructure, imprint and physically damage the human brain (especially the undeveloped juvenile brain)." (John L. Harmer, president of Lighted Candle Society).

An addict said, “In my eyes cocaine doesn’t hold a candle to this. I have done both. … Quitting even the hardest drugs was nothing compared to [trying to quit pornography].”

According to Charles Keating of Citizens for Decency Through Law, 77 percent of child molesters of boys and 87 percent of child molesters of girls admitted imitating the sexual behavior they had seen modeled in pornography.

Dr. Dolf Zimmerman and Dr. Jennings Bryant showed that continued exposure to pornography led to negative beliefs about sexuality and women and a more accepting attitude towards rape.

The Society of Divorce Lawyers reports that pornography addiction has replaced financial problems as the number one cause of divorce in America. Pornography can destroy the trust in a marriage, and set up a false and unrealistic expectation for a sexual relationship.

For children, the effects reported by Dr. Jill Manning confirm that the harm to mental filters is one of seven primary negative effects of children exposed to pornography. The other six are: Emotional trauma, Having sex earlier, Desiring and pursuing sex apart from emotional attachments, Antagonism toward being married or having a family, Higher risk for sexual compulsions and addictions, and Believing that deviant sex practices are normal and common.

Why Worry About Pornography

According to Family Safe Media, pornography is a $12 billion dollar industry in the United States alone. According to their statistics, pornography revenue exceeds the combined revenues of all professional baseball, football, and basketball franchises and the combined revenues of ABC, CBS, and NBC. Sex is the number one search on the internet. We live in a society where many of the people we interact with have recently been viewing pornography. It affects us all.

WRAP

WRAP stands for White Ribbons Against Pornography. The next few posts are going to be information about WRAP and why it is so important. They will answer these questions: Why worry about pornography? What are the effects of pornography? Why do I need to protect children against pornography? and What can I do?

Fun way to get your kids to eat their dinner

My children are generally the slowest eaters known to man. What can I say I think they get it from their mother :) There are times we have sat at the dinner table for over an hour to eat a relatively small meal. It drives my husband crazy because he is a pretty quick eater and doesn't want to leave the table until we are all done. Out of desperation we found a new game called "Beat the Clock" What you do is set the timer for 15 minutes, and tell the kids to "beat the clock" and eat all of their food before it goes off. When the timer dings dinner is over. Because our children are still relatively young and 15 minutes is a large number that they don't quite comprehend yet we tweaked it a little. We wait until they start to wind down in their eating and set it for 4 minutes. They think it is great. They have actually started asking to play this game at dinner time. When the timer dings they willingly get down from the table. It is so nice to be able to eat dinner without constantly saying "Eat your dinner" "Hurry up" and so on.

Let's Try That Again!

Skill: Using a Verbal Prompt
When to use it: For sassing, demanding, whining, and other inappropriate child comments.
In a nutshell: Give your kids a chance to self-correct. Simply reminding them of appropriate behavior may be all it takes.

It drives me crazy when my kids use a demanding, sassy, or whiny voice tone. Too often, I find myself responding in the same kind of voice! Have you ever heard a child say, "Get me some juice!" and the parent respond, "Do I look like your servant?" in the same kind of whiny, childish voice tone? It is up to us as parents to set the verbal tone in our homes! One way to do this is to use a verbal prompt. If your little diva demands her dinner, instead of answering in an equally inappropriate voice tone, try something like this: "Can you ask with kind words?" or "Let's try that over again." Will it work every time? Of course not! But for many situations, all the child needs is a little verbal prompting. You may be surprised!

Try this: If (umm....when...) you get a sassy or inappropriate response from your kids today, try your pre-set line such as "Let's try that again." Did they self-correct? Let us know how it goes!

Alison

AMI is great

A special thanks to all who came to the August 4th class. It was great. I enjoyed all of your comments. I think the one of the best parts of attending the meetings is learning from each of your experiences.

Thanks to Allison for preparing the lesson. You always do a great job!

Leslie

Skill: Be Proactive!

Skill: Be Proactive
When to use it: All the time!
In a nutshell: Take a little time to plan ahead in your parenting. How will you deal with appropriate behavior? How will you deal with inappropriate behavior? When you take time to plan, you save time in discipline problems!

One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Does anyone else ever mother "insanely?" I often find myself in the movie Groundhog Day, reliving the same situations over and over. Like whenever we cross the threshold of any store, my three-year-old automatically needs to go to the bathroom--because I forgot to take her before we left home again. Or when I don't plan ahead on Sunday mornings and spend the last few minutes yelling at everyone to hurry up and get in the car as we finish dressing and putting on shoes on the way. Or even when I know a bedtime tantrum is approaching, but I continue on the same grumpy course of the previous night.

A valid principle of human behavior is that if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. On the other hand, taking a little time to plan ahead and be a PROACTIVE parent can break the repetitious insanity cycle we often find ourselves trapped in. Here are a couple suggestions for shaking things up, and hopefully breaking out of a rut.

1. Change the environment
What can you do to change the environment where problems tend to occur? An easy solution for a toddler who keeps breaking things is to baby proof the house and move anything valuable or dangerous to higher ground. Maybe a teenager will open up more eating pizza over lunch in a restaurant instead of a late-night confrontation at home. Use music to change the environment of your house during mealtimes or cleaning up. My friend Amy Means manages a nightly devotional time with her young children by lighting a candle. The family loves gathering around the flickering light as they spend time together and then blowing it out with a wish when they are done. Another friend, Jennifer Porter, made special pillows for each child to sit on when it was time to read together to help little children stay in one place. These are both great examples of parents being proactive in changing the environment to help manage behaviors.

2. Put it on paper
Take some time to make a list of a few problem behaviors. Next to each problem, brainstorm a proactive solution. Here's one example (that has never, never, happened at my house): Imagine a child who consistently leaves a bike out in back of the car. A reactive solution would be to yell and ask dumb questions like, "When will you ever learn to take care of your things!? Do you want me to run over your bike???" A proactive solution would be to teach the child what you expect, show them where their bike belongs, and then tell them they have the privilege of riding the bike each day when they have put it away properly. If it is not put away, they will deny themselves the privilege of riding the bike for 24 hours. Write this plan down! Then if the bike is left out, calmly follow through with your plan. When we are proactive on paper beforehand, it helps us parent better in the heat of the moment. You're less likely to turn into the Mommy Monster and behave even worse than your kids did.

3. Practice
It may sound silly, but role playing how you will deal with a flare-up is a great way to be a proactive parent. Practice saying things like, "I'm sorry you're sad" instead of "Stop that yelling!" Practice saying, "That show is not appropriate" instead of giving in to the begging and then feeling like a pushover. Practice ahead of time, so you don't have to try to have all the answers when emotions are high.

Try this:
Make your list of triggers and misbehaviors. Write down how you can change the environment or change your response, and then practice being the great mom you want to be! Be PROACTIVE!

Literacy: Shoe Box Train Rescue

Here is the literacy activity from our August 4th meeting. It will be fun to get this book from the public library and read it together right before we make our train. It would be fun to read it again while they decorate their box cars. Developmentally this is for a 2-5-year-old child, but my 1-year-old loves pulling anything that has a string attached, she will love this.

Skill: Planned Ignoring

Skill: Planned Ignoring
When to use it: For whining, mild sibling rivalry, attention-seeking behaviors, tantrums, and other annoying but non-harmful child behaviors.
In a nutshell: Pay attention to what you want to see more of. If you don't want a child to repeat a behavior, give it as little time and attention as possible. Parental attention is one of the biggest reinforcers of a child's behavior. For behaviors that are only annoying (sometimes even extremely annoying) but don't hurt people or property, sometime the best discipline is simply to not give the inappropriate behavior any attention. Most of these behaviors (almost 90% of them) will simply go away within 1 min 45 seconds.

Picture this situation. You are in the kitchen making dinner. Your four-year-old comes in and asks for a popsicle. You explain that dinner is coming soon, and it isn't time for popsicles. Can you guess what comes next? Maybe on another planet, the child would say, "No problem, Mom. I'm glad you make sure I get proper nutrition. Can I help you cook while I wait?" At my house, however, there are usually tears and tragedy. "But I waaaaaaaana popsicle! I don't waaaaaaant dinner. I haaaaaaaaaate dinner!" Instead of going into a dissertation about the health merits of carrots versus popsicles, fussing even louder and more inappropriately than your child, or getting yourself all in a tizzy about how ungrateful your children are when you sacrifice to provide such a lovely dinner, try this: Show a bit of empathy and then IGNORE! Say something like, "You'll feel better soon," "It's hard to have to wait for treats," or "I'm sorry you're sad." And then, go about your business. Set the table, stir the soup, turn on the radio, or lift up your chin and sing a song. Don't look at or talk to the one misbehaving. Don't put on the sadness and drama of an aristocrat heading to the guillotine. And then time the misbehavior. Dr. Latham (The Making of a Stable Family) has researched this method and has found that almost 90% of these inconsequential behaviors will extinguish within 1 min 45 seconds. (Some behaviors, like full-blown tantrums, can take longer.) Most behaviors will self-eliminate within half a minute. When the misbehavior ends, use it as a cue to use positive reinforcement by giving attention to the child again. Say something like, "Would you like to taste the soup?" or "I love it when you are with me." Later, find opportunities to role-play the appropriate behavior with your child. Teach your child what you expect them to do when they get a No answer. We'll discuss this proactive teaching strategy later.

Try using Planned Ignoring for sibling rivalry, tantrums, whining, teenage trash talk ("I hate this house! I hate these rules!"), and any other annoying behaviors that don't hurt people or property. You'll save your energy for dealing with the big issues, your kids won't learn to tune out the constant mommy blah-blah, and some of the most annoying child behaviors just might go away. Yea!!!!!

Try this: Make a list of all the things your kids do that drive you nuts. Now, put a star by the misbehaviors that are Consequential (things that hurt people or property). You may be surprised that most of your list is made up of Inconsequential Behaviors--highly annoying but not highly harmful. Choose a couple of these annoying behaviors and write them down where you can see them. For the next couple of weeks, look at these behaviors each morning. Practice in your mind what you are going to say when they occur. Imagine yourself staying in control, keeping your chin up, making a brief empathetic comment, and simply ignoring the misbehavior. How long does the misbehavior last? As you practice this skill, you'll notice the misbehaviors decreasing. If kids learn that misbehavior doesn't get them precious parental attention, they will be less likely to misbehave. Send in your comments and share how it is working! How long do misbehaviors last when you use planned ignoring? Good luck! Remember: Pay attention to what you want to see more of!

Another entry will deal with the other category--Consequential Behaviors. Get ready to stay in control and be consistent!

Fun Activities to do Before Summer Ends

I recently read an article about Activities to do with your children before summer ends and it gave me an idea to start my own list. I thought I would share it here for anyone else that might need some ideas of things to do as the summer draws to a close.

1. Camp out in the backyard. My children love this. Especially when Dad joins in on the fun.
2. Go to a river and skip rocks. We used to do this as kids and would see who could get the most skips.
3. Roast Marshmallows and make s'mores. We like to do this on the BBQ. They don't taste quite the same, but it works great when we aren't camping.
4. Pick a bouquet of wild flowers. My daughter thinks that wildflowers are the best and is always finding beautiful ones for me.
5. Go Swimming. We love to do this as a family. It always makes my kid's day.
6. Get up early and watch the sunrise. Our world is beautiful and kids love to enjoy the colors of a sunrise.
7. Stay up late and tell campfire stories or sing songs around a campfire. We recently sang song around a campfire and my daughter had an endless list of songs she wanted to sing.
8. Go on a hike and see how many different bugs, animals, and plants you can find. Check out a book from your local library that shows plant and animal pictures to help you.
9. Jump in the puddles with your kids on a rainy day. Children love to make messes and it is fun to be a kid again. We don't get many rainy days in Idaho, but it would give us something to do on those occasional days.
10. Run through the sprinklers. My kids love to do this on a hot day and they love it even more if I join in.
I know a lot of these entail water, but we love water. Does anyone have any ideas that I haven't listed here? Please share. We are always looking for something new to try.