The Bean Jar

A bean jar is a great way to encourage your children to do just about anything. It can help with behavior, potty training, cleaning up toys, tv time, or anything else you can think of. We have been using it in our house to encourage our children to be nice to each other and do their chores. Anytime they accomplish something we have asked them to do they get to put a bean in the jar. They also get to put a bean in the jar if they are nice to their sibling and their sibling lets us know how nice they were. It is kind of reverse tattling-which it has also improved. We had a tattler that doesn't tattle nearly as much. Instead she tells me nice things about her sister. When the jar is filled the kids decided they wanted to do a movie night and pop popcorn. Any prize works-we found that if we just ask our kids what they would like to do it helps motivate them more. It is amazing how much this simple jar has helped our house. Our kids are quicker to help out when asked and they are also so nice to each other. So has anyone else ever tried the bean jar? What worked and what didn't?

Time-In or Time-Out?

Skill: Time-In
When to use it: All the time, especially if you want time-out to ever work
In a nutshell: Before a parent can ever use time-out effectively, "time-in" has to be well in place. "Time-in" is the fun, reinforcing, safe, and enjoyable environment in your home. When a home has a positive feeling, a child removed to time-out knows he is missing out on the good stuff. If time-out is not going well, maybe it is because "time-in" is lacking. Try increasing the encouragement, attention, physical and verbal affection, and just plain fun that happens at your house. But be careful...having great "time-in" times may just about eliminate your need for much "time-out!"
Try this: How long has it been since the tickle monster visited your children? What about a hungry bear who loves it when children wake him up from hibernation so he can eat them up? Where are your bubbles? Hoola-hoops? Face-paints and funny hats? Today, instead of just finding stuff for your kids to do, PLAY with them! Be silly and enjoy the magic that happens by making a child laugh. What are your favorite ways to play? Share your best!

Time-In or Time-Out?

Skill: "Time-Out"
When to use it: When a child's behavior cannot be ignored or redirected, or the child's behavior is taking over the situation and has become the object of everyone's attention. Examples may include a child who is hitting other children and interfering with their positive play, or a child who is out of control and throwing objects.
Ages: Best for around ages 2 - 7. Much younger children don't usually get it, and other discipline forms like removal of privileges work better for older children.
In a nutshell:
Don't: Threaten, yell, scare, or become otherwise ugly and mean. You can be firm and still remain in control.
Don't: Threaten time-out. Think about it..."Do you want to go to time out?" is not a very intelligent question.
Don't: Apologize for putting a child in time-out. Appropriate discipline doesn't need apologies.

Do: Use a less-intensive method of intervention when possible, such as changing the mood with humor, ignoring inconsequential behaviors, or using the stop-redirect-reinforce method. When a behavior needs a time-out, be prepared to follow through to the end.
Do: Find a non-scary but totally dull location for time-out.
Do: Say something like, "When you behave this way, you may not be with us."
Do: Lead the child to time-out. Say, "When the timer goes off, if you are behaving nicely, you may come and see me."
Do: Set a timer for 30 sec per year up to age 3, and 3 minutes past calm down after age 4.
Do: When the child completes the time-out and comes to you, smile and say "I'm glad you...." and be about your business. Be positive and MOVE ON.

Try this: Role play "going to time-out" with your child. When things are going well and the emotion is neutral, teach them your expectations. Let them know which behaviors will result in a time-out. Show them where it is, practice going there and setting the timer, and practice coming out.

Fun way to get your kids to eat their dinner

My children are generally the slowest eaters known to man. What can I say I think they get it from their mother :) There are times we have sat at the dinner table for over an hour to eat a relatively small meal. It drives my husband crazy because he is a pretty quick eater and doesn't want to leave the table until we are all done. Out of desperation we found a new game called "Beat the Clock" What you do is set the timer for 15 minutes, and tell the kids to "beat the clock" and eat all of their food before it goes off. When the timer dings dinner is over. Because our children are still relatively young and 15 minutes is a large number that they don't quite comprehend yet we tweaked it a little. We wait until they start to wind down in their eating and set it for 4 minutes. They think it is great. They have actually started asking to play this game at dinner time. When the timer dings they willingly get down from the table. It is so nice to be able to eat dinner without constantly saying "Eat your dinner" "Hurry up" and so on.

Let's Try That Again!

Skill: Using a Verbal Prompt
When to use it: For sassing, demanding, whining, and other inappropriate child comments.
In a nutshell: Give your kids a chance to self-correct. Simply reminding them of appropriate behavior may be all it takes.

It drives me crazy when my kids use a demanding, sassy, or whiny voice tone. Too often, I find myself responding in the same kind of voice! Have you ever heard a child say, "Get me some juice!" and the parent respond, "Do I look like your servant?" in the same kind of whiny, childish voice tone? It is up to us as parents to set the verbal tone in our homes! One way to do this is to use a verbal prompt. If your little diva demands her dinner, instead of answering in an equally inappropriate voice tone, try something like this: "Can you ask with kind words?" or "Let's try that over again." Will it work every time? Of course not! But for many situations, all the child needs is a little verbal prompting. You may be surprised!

Try this: If (umm....when...) you get a sassy or inappropriate response from your kids today, try your pre-set line such as "Let's try that again." Did they self-correct? Let us know how it goes!

Alison

Skill: Be Proactive!

Skill: Be Proactive
When to use it: All the time!
In a nutshell: Take a little time to plan ahead in your parenting. How will you deal with appropriate behavior? How will you deal with inappropriate behavior? When you take time to plan, you save time in discipline problems!

One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Does anyone else ever mother "insanely?" I often find myself in the movie Groundhog Day, reliving the same situations over and over. Like whenever we cross the threshold of any store, my three-year-old automatically needs to go to the bathroom--because I forgot to take her before we left home again. Or when I don't plan ahead on Sunday mornings and spend the last few minutes yelling at everyone to hurry up and get in the car as we finish dressing and putting on shoes on the way. Or even when I know a bedtime tantrum is approaching, but I continue on the same grumpy course of the previous night.

A valid principle of human behavior is that if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. On the other hand, taking a little time to plan ahead and be a PROACTIVE parent can break the repetitious insanity cycle we often find ourselves trapped in. Here are a couple suggestions for shaking things up, and hopefully breaking out of a rut.

1. Change the environment
What can you do to change the environment where problems tend to occur? An easy solution for a toddler who keeps breaking things is to baby proof the house and move anything valuable or dangerous to higher ground. Maybe a teenager will open up more eating pizza over lunch in a restaurant instead of a late-night confrontation at home. Use music to change the environment of your house during mealtimes or cleaning up. My friend Amy Means manages a nightly devotional time with her young children by lighting a candle. The family loves gathering around the flickering light as they spend time together and then blowing it out with a wish when they are done. Another friend, Jennifer Porter, made special pillows for each child to sit on when it was time to read together to help little children stay in one place. These are both great examples of parents being proactive in changing the environment to help manage behaviors.

2. Put it on paper
Take some time to make a list of a few problem behaviors. Next to each problem, brainstorm a proactive solution. Here's one example (that has never, never, happened at my house): Imagine a child who consistently leaves a bike out in back of the car. A reactive solution would be to yell and ask dumb questions like, "When will you ever learn to take care of your things!? Do you want me to run over your bike???" A proactive solution would be to teach the child what you expect, show them where their bike belongs, and then tell them they have the privilege of riding the bike each day when they have put it away properly. If it is not put away, they will deny themselves the privilege of riding the bike for 24 hours. Write this plan down! Then if the bike is left out, calmly follow through with your plan. When we are proactive on paper beforehand, it helps us parent better in the heat of the moment. You're less likely to turn into the Mommy Monster and behave even worse than your kids did.

3. Practice
It may sound silly, but role playing how you will deal with a flare-up is a great way to be a proactive parent. Practice saying things like, "I'm sorry you're sad" instead of "Stop that yelling!" Practice saying, "That show is not appropriate" instead of giving in to the begging and then feeling like a pushover. Practice ahead of time, so you don't have to try to have all the answers when emotions are high.

Try this:
Make your list of triggers and misbehaviors. Write down how you can change the environment or change your response, and then practice being the great mom you want to be! Be PROACTIVE!

Skill: Planned Ignoring

Skill: Planned Ignoring
When to use it: For whining, mild sibling rivalry, attention-seeking behaviors, tantrums, and other annoying but non-harmful child behaviors.
In a nutshell: Pay attention to what you want to see more of. If you don't want a child to repeat a behavior, give it as little time and attention as possible. Parental attention is one of the biggest reinforcers of a child's behavior. For behaviors that are only annoying (sometimes even extremely annoying) but don't hurt people or property, sometime the best discipline is simply to not give the inappropriate behavior any attention. Most of these behaviors (almost 90% of them) will simply go away within 1 min 45 seconds.

Picture this situation. You are in the kitchen making dinner. Your four-year-old comes in and asks for a popsicle. You explain that dinner is coming soon, and it isn't time for popsicles. Can you guess what comes next? Maybe on another planet, the child would say, "No problem, Mom. I'm glad you make sure I get proper nutrition. Can I help you cook while I wait?" At my house, however, there are usually tears and tragedy. "But I waaaaaaaana popsicle! I don't waaaaaaant dinner. I haaaaaaaaaate dinner!" Instead of going into a dissertation about the health merits of carrots versus popsicles, fussing even louder and more inappropriately than your child, or getting yourself all in a tizzy about how ungrateful your children are when you sacrifice to provide such a lovely dinner, try this: Show a bit of empathy and then IGNORE! Say something like, "You'll feel better soon," "It's hard to have to wait for treats," or "I'm sorry you're sad." And then, go about your business. Set the table, stir the soup, turn on the radio, or lift up your chin and sing a song. Don't look at or talk to the one misbehaving. Don't put on the sadness and drama of an aristocrat heading to the guillotine. And then time the misbehavior. Dr. Latham (The Making of a Stable Family) has researched this method and has found that almost 90% of these inconsequential behaviors will extinguish within 1 min 45 seconds. (Some behaviors, like full-blown tantrums, can take longer.) Most behaviors will self-eliminate within half a minute. When the misbehavior ends, use it as a cue to use positive reinforcement by giving attention to the child again. Say something like, "Would you like to taste the soup?" or "I love it when you are with me." Later, find opportunities to role-play the appropriate behavior with your child. Teach your child what you expect them to do when they get a No answer. We'll discuss this proactive teaching strategy later.

Try using Planned Ignoring for sibling rivalry, tantrums, whining, teenage trash talk ("I hate this house! I hate these rules!"), and any other annoying behaviors that don't hurt people or property. You'll save your energy for dealing with the big issues, your kids won't learn to tune out the constant mommy blah-blah, and some of the most annoying child behaviors just might go away. Yea!!!!!

Try this: Make a list of all the things your kids do that drive you nuts. Now, put a star by the misbehaviors that are Consequential (things that hurt people or property). You may be surprised that most of your list is made up of Inconsequential Behaviors--highly annoying but not highly harmful. Choose a couple of these annoying behaviors and write them down where you can see them. For the next couple of weeks, look at these behaviors each morning. Practice in your mind what you are going to say when they occur. Imagine yourself staying in control, keeping your chin up, making a brief empathetic comment, and simply ignoring the misbehavior. How long does the misbehavior last? As you practice this skill, you'll notice the misbehaviors decreasing. If kids learn that misbehavior doesn't get them precious parental attention, they will be less likely to misbehave. Send in your comments and share how it is working! How long do misbehaviors last when you use planned ignoring? Good luck! Remember: Pay attention to what you want to see more of!

Another entry will deal with the other category--Consequential Behaviors. Get ready to stay in control and be consistent!

Coercion

Imagine you are going to the Doctor for a serious illness. After diagnosing the problem, your doctor gives you two choices for treatment. Your first option does not guarantee immediate success, but has been effective in treating millions of patients without any side effects. This option requires great care in dosing and sometimes requires big changes in lifestyle, but most patients thrive and become even healthier than they were before.

Your second option has been around for years. It requires little thought or action on your part. It does, however, have risky side effects that can cause permanent damage and occasionally lead to death. Treatment Two can appear to work quickly, but is less potent as time goes on and gradually makes your condition worse. Both cost the same, and both are available today. Which will you choose?

We have the same kind of choice today as we decide how we will parent our children. Using Positive Parenting requires diligent learning and proactive thinking. It often takes a good dose of patience and self-mastery. But guess what? IT WORKS! Kids behave better, parents enjoy their parenting more, and families thrive in an atmosphere of peace and cooperation. Will things be perfect? Thankfully, no. But they will they get better? Thankfully, yes. If you continue following this blog, hopefully you’ll get some ideas on what to do in a variety of situations—the DOs. We’re going to start, however with the big DON’T—Using Coercion to try to force your children to behave. Much of this material is found in The Power of Positive Parenting, by Dr. Glenn Latham, pgs. 20-22, chapter 12, and in his video presentation, The Making of a Stable Family. All material in quotations is from Dr. Latham. Other material comes from different sources and my own ideas.

Here are 10 reasons to use discipline methods other than coercion!

1. Behavior responds better to positive than to negative consequences. When behavior is measured, children who are spanked continue to behave badly at a greater rate than children who are disciplined in non coercive ways. This has been shown in hundreds of studies. (For example, S.W. Bijou, 1988)

2. Using coercion interferes with the parent-child relationship.

“Pain is not a bonding agent. Rather pain teaches us to avoid the pain giver. The better way is to let social or natural consequences of behavior deliver the message. If the child misbehaves, he deprives himself of desirable privileges; he separates himself from pleasure, and has no one to blame but himself. But when pain is imposed on him, as with a spanking, it is easy for the child to resent the pain giver while justifying the bad behavior. Every lesson has been taught except the right one. Parents, eliminate spanking as a teaching tool. It does teach, but it teaches the wrong thing!”

3. We want our children to learn to feel sorry when they have misbehaved. This takes a soft and open heart. When a child is disciplined with harshness, it is impossible for them not to feel angry and hurt. These emotions are powerful and usually override any remorse or sadness they would’ve felt for the misbehavior.

4. Spanking is more likely to be an out-of-control expression of parental frustration than it is a serious attempt to teach children to behave better. The line between abuse and “discipline” is a hazy one. Much of child abuse starts with spanking and other physical punishment. It is so easy to get out of control when you’re under stress.

5. When children are afraid, they are less likely to understand the message being “taught.” They are too worried about being hurt that they usually miss the lesson you are trying to “teach.” Areas of the brain that activate with reasoning and caring are not active during coercive discipline. Rather, the brain is active in the “fight or flight” areas. They truly cannot learn if they are afraid.

6. Coercive punishments cannot be recalled or modified. For example, a child making a huge mess in the sink may be given a spanking, but when he tearfully says he was trying to do the dishes to help you, the discipline cannot be recalled.

7. Coercive punishments are not portable. Children who are used to getting spanked or berated may misbehave in public because they know their parents will not follow through in front of others. Appropriate discipline is portable—you can use the strategy anywhere and children know what to expect in any situation. It is not socially awkward to discipline appropriately.

8. Coercion, especially physical punishment, often backfires as children get older. If parents have not learned to discipline with non-coercive methods, real family violence can occur as children get older and fight back. When non coercive methods are in place from a young age, disciplining older children is just an extension of previous effective methods.

9. Lying is more common in children who are harshly disciplined. The possibility of pain or fear is so strong, that even kids who would like to be honest have a hard time confessing or admitting out of fear. (For example, Murray Straus, 1997)

10. Using forceful, harsh, and painful (coercive) consequences “modifies behavior only in the short run, and often leads to psychological problems and academic failure.” Many studies show that children who are spanked have a lower IQ score and get worse grades. (For example, A 1998 University of New Hampshire study found that spanking lowers a child’s IQ by four points).

The last word about spanking: DON’T! It is too risky. Keep following the blog for some great skills that will help you treat your children’s misbehavior without all the painful side effects!

Alison Moulton

July 1, 2009