Skill: Planned Ignoring

Skill: Planned Ignoring
When to use it: For whining, mild sibling rivalry, attention-seeking behaviors, tantrums, and other annoying but non-harmful child behaviors.
In a nutshell: Pay attention to what you want to see more of. If you don't want a child to repeat a behavior, give it as little time and attention as possible. Parental attention is one of the biggest reinforcers of a child's behavior. For behaviors that are only annoying (sometimes even extremely annoying) but don't hurt people or property, sometime the best discipline is simply to not give the inappropriate behavior any attention. Most of these behaviors (almost 90% of them) will simply go away within 1 min 45 seconds.

Picture this situation. You are in the kitchen making dinner. Your four-year-old comes in and asks for a popsicle. You explain that dinner is coming soon, and it isn't time for popsicles. Can you guess what comes next? Maybe on another planet, the child would say, "No problem, Mom. I'm glad you make sure I get proper nutrition. Can I help you cook while I wait?" At my house, however, there are usually tears and tragedy. "But I waaaaaaaana popsicle! I don't waaaaaaant dinner. I haaaaaaaaaate dinner!" Instead of going into a dissertation about the health merits of carrots versus popsicles, fussing even louder and more inappropriately than your child, or getting yourself all in a tizzy about how ungrateful your children are when you sacrifice to provide such a lovely dinner, try this: Show a bit of empathy and then IGNORE! Say something like, "You'll feel better soon," "It's hard to have to wait for treats," or "I'm sorry you're sad." And then, go about your business. Set the table, stir the soup, turn on the radio, or lift up your chin and sing a song. Don't look at or talk to the one misbehaving. Don't put on the sadness and drama of an aristocrat heading to the guillotine. And then time the misbehavior. Dr. Latham (The Making of a Stable Family) has researched this method and has found that almost 90% of these inconsequential behaviors will extinguish within 1 min 45 seconds. (Some behaviors, like full-blown tantrums, can take longer.) Most behaviors will self-eliminate within half a minute. When the misbehavior ends, use it as a cue to use positive reinforcement by giving attention to the child again. Say something like, "Would you like to taste the soup?" or "I love it when you are with me." Later, find opportunities to role-play the appropriate behavior with your child. Teach your child what you expect them to do when they get a No answer. We'll discuss this proactive teaching strategy later.

Try using Planned Ignoring for sibling rivalry, tantrums, whining, teenage trash talk ("I hate this house! I hate these rules!"), and any other annoying behaviors that don't hurt people or property. You'll save your energy for dealing with the big issues, your kids won't learn to tune out the constant mommy blah-blah, and some of the most annoying child behaviors just might go away. Yea!!!!!

Try this: Make a list of all the things your kids do that drive you nuts. Now, put a star by the misbehaviors that are Consequential (things that hurt people or property). You may be surprised that most of your list is made up of Inconsequential Behaviors--highly annoying but not highly harmful. Choose a couple of these annoying behaviors and write them down where you can see them. For the next couple of weeks, look at these behaviors each morning. Practice in your mind what you are going to say when they occur. Imagine yourself staying in control, keeping your chin up, making a brief empathetic comment, and simply ignoring the misbehavior. How long does the misbehavior last? As you practice this skill, you'll notice the misbehaviors decreasing. If kids learn that misbehavior doesn't get them precious parental attention, they will be less likely to misbehave. Send in your comments and share how it is working! How long do misbehaviors last when you use planned ignoring? Good luck! Remember: Pay attention to what you want to see more of!

Another entry will deal with the other category--Consequential Behaviors. Get ready to stay in control and be consistent!

Fun Activities to do Before Summer Ends

I recently read an article about Activities to do with your children before summer ends and it gave me an idea to start my own list. I thought I would share it here for anyone else that might need some ideas of things to do as the summer draws to a close.

1. Camp out in the backyard. My children love this. Especially when Dad joins in on the fun.
2. Go to a river and skip rocks. We used to do this as kids and would see who could get the most skips.
3. Roast Marshmallows and make s'mores. We like to do this on the BBQ. They don't taste quite the same, but it works great when we aren't camping.
4. Pick a bouquet of wild flowers. My daughter thinks that wildflowers are the best and is always finding beautiful ones for me.
5. Go Swimming. We love to do this as a family. It always makes my kid's day.
6. Get up early and watch the sunrise. Our world is beautiful and kids love to enjoy the colors of a sunrise.
7. Stay up late and tell campfire stories or sing songs around a campfire. We recently sang song around a campfire and my daughter had an endless list of songs she wanted to sing.
8. Go on a hike and see how many different bugs, animals, and plants you can find. Check out a book from your local library that shows plant and animal pictures to help you.
9. Jump in the puddles with your kids on a rainy day. Children love to make messes and it is fun to be a kid again. We don't get many rainy days in Idaho, but it would give us something to do on those occasional days.
10. Run through the sprinklers. My kids love to do this on a hot day and they love it even more if I join in.
I know a lot of these entail water, but we love water. Does anyone have any ideas that I haven't listed here? Please share. We are always looking for something new to try.

An Angel Out of Tune

K guys, so these CDs are awesome! I just went on a long car-ride vacation, and listened to them over and over as my children slept. I fell further in love with Latham's Positive Parenting style. It is so awesome. If you haven't had a chance to listen to your CDs from the Celebration of Motherhoom seminar we held, do it! They rock!

The CDs came in one case. It is called An Angel Out of Tune by Glen A. Latham.

Here are a few of my thoughts about a few of the first tracks.

An Angel Out of Tune, Music intro.

This song is a little cheesy, but is good is a good reminder that our crying babies truly are angels even when they are crying. It reminded me that they can't tell us what they need, and are just doing their best to let us know they need our help.

Being safe to your children

I LOVED this track. It talked about how important it is that we remain safe to our children and spouse. We are no longer viewed as safe when we scowl, or yell or use pretty much any coercive methods of parenting (or friendship). When we are viewed as safe in our family's eyes, they want to be around us. If we are not safe, they will find others who are safe and they will gravitate toward them. I remember being a teen thinking it was so crazy that some of my friends told everything to their parents. They seemed to be so easy to talk to...now I know why, they were "safe". This track talks about how we can become more safe to our families.

A cup of honey

Latham's mother always told him "A cup of honey will attract more flies than a bucket of Gall." While we are am not trying to attract flies, we are trying to bring something much more precious closer to us, which is our family. We want those emotional ties to be stronger than strong, so our children will always know we are safe and they can come to us. We accomplish this with less time and energy by learning to be just plain nice to our family.

A stitch in time ...saves nine. If we parent right right now, life will be easier as we go along.

The awesome-ness goes on and on. Seriously ladies, listen to it, it's great. Here are the rest of the tracks in order.

It work's in Marriage, too
Mountains out of molehills
What goes around, comes around
Study & See
Just walk away
Shoot the breeze
Keeping a grip on yourself
Be good to yourself, too
As the twig is bent
The one-eyed monster at home
Sharing the word
That would work with me
That behavior is no appropriate
Disorderly conduct
Don't sweat the little things
What does it mean to comply
Time-out or Time-in, that is the question
Whose changing who?
It's worth the risk
An angel out of tune, music ending

Coercion

Imagine you are going to the Doctor for a serious illness. After diagnosing the problem, your doctor gives you two choices for treatment. Your first option does not guarantee immediate success, but has been effective in treating millions of patients without any side effects. This option requires great care in dosing and sometimes requires big changes in lifestyle, but most patients thrive and become even healthier than they were before.

Your second option has been around for years. It requires little thought or action on your part. It does, however, have risky side effects that can cause permanent damage and occasionally lead to death. Treatment Two can appear to work quickly, but is less potent as time goes on and gradually makes your condition worse. Both cost the same, and both are available today. Which will you choose?

We have the same kind of choice today as we decide how we will parent our children. Using Positive Parenting requires diligent learning and proactive thinking. It often takes a good dose of patience and self-mastery. But guess what? IT WORKS! Kids behave better, parents enjoy their parenting more, and families thrive in an atmosphere of peace and cooperation. Will things be perfect? Thankfully, no. But they will they get better? Thankfully, yes. If you continue following this blog, hopefully you’ll get some ideas on what to do in a variety of situations—the DOs. We’re going to start, however with the big DON’T—Using Coercion to try to force your children to behave. Much of this material is found in The Power of Positive Parenting, by Dr. Glenn Latham, pgs. 20-22, chapter 12, and in his video presentation, The Making of a Stable Family. All material in quotations is from Dr. Latham. Other material comes from different sources and my own ideas.

Here are 10 reasons to use discipline methods other than coercion!

1. Behavior responds better to positive than to negative consequences. When behavior is measured, children who are spanked continue to behave badly at a greater rate than children who are disciplined in non coercive ways. This has been shown in hundreds of studies. (For example, S.W. Bijou, 1988)

2. Using coercion interferes with the parent-child relationship.

“Pain is not a bonding agent. Rather pain teaches us to avoid the pain giver. The better way is to let social or natural consequences of behavior deliver the message. If the child misbehaves, he deprives himself of desirable privileges; he separates himself from pleasure, and has no one to blame but himself. But when pain is imposed on him, as with a spanking, it is easy for the child to resent the pain giver while justifying the bad behavior. Every lesson has been taught except the right one. Parents, eliminate spanking as a teaching tool. It does teach, but it teaches the wrong thing!”

3. We want our children to learn to feel sorry when they have misbehaved. This takes a soft and open heart. When a child is disciplined with harshness, it is impossible for them not to feel angry and hurt. These emotions are powerful and usually override any remorse or sadness they would’ve felt for the misbehavior.

4. Spanking is more likely to be an out-of-control expression of parental frustration than it is a serious attempt to teach children to behave better. The line between abuse and “discipline” is a hazy one. Much of child abuse starts with spanking and other physical punishment. It is so easy to get out of control when you’re under stress.

5. When children are afraid, they are less likely to understand the message being “taught.” They are too worried about being hurt that they usually miss the lesson you are trying to “teach.” Areas of the brain that activate with reasoning and caring are not active during coercive discipline. Rather, the brain is active in the “fight or flight” areas. They truly cannot learn if they are afraid.

6. Coercive punishments cannot be recalled or modified. For example, a child making a huge mess in the sink may be given a spanking, but when he tearfully says he was trying to do the dishes to help you, the discipline cannot be recalled.

7. Coercive punishments are not portable. Children who are used to getting spanked or berated may misbehave in public because they know their parents will not follow through in front of others. Appropriate discipline is portable—you can use the strategy anywhere and children know what to expect in any situation. It is not socially awkward to discipline appropriately.

8. Coercion, especially physical punishment, often backfires as children get older. If parents have not learned to discipline with non-coercive methods, real family violence can occur as children get older and fight back. When non coercive methods are in place from a young age, disciplining older children is just an extension of previous effective methods.

9. Lying is more common in children who are harshly disciplined. The possibility of pain or fear is so strong, that even kids who would like to be honest have a hard time confessing or admitting out of fear. (For example, Murray Straus, 1997)

10. Using forceful, harsh, and painful (coercive) consequences “modifies behavior only in the short run, and often leads to psychological problems and academic failure.” Many studies show that children who are spanked have a lower IQ score and get worse grades. (For example, A 1998 University of New Hampshire study found that spanking lowers a child’s IQ by four points).

The last word about spanking: DON’T! It is too risky. Keep following the blog for some great skills that will help you treat your children’s misbehavior without all the painful side effects!

Alison Moulton

July 1, 2009

Book Review: There's a Mouse About the House

Series: Slot Books

Author: R. Fowler
• Ages: 3 years and up
• Size of book: 6 1/8 x 14 5/8 inches
• Pages: 20

Synopsis: A mouse runs through the B. family house looking for some food. He avoids the cat, learns that other mice have already eaten certain items, is announced by the parrot, scares Mrs. B., narrowly avoids Mr. B and his broom, and finally escapes the cat again after a bite of cheese.This activity book features a cardboard character which takes the reader on an exciting adventure as it passes through a slot on each page. The book is designed to orient youngsters toward reading and the story-building process.

--Phil Wade on Amazon.com and Usborne Books

Valerie's Review: Even though my "babies" are 14, 11, and 7 now, this is a book that with always remain on our library shelf as a treasured memory of early childhood. I remember when I could hold them all on my lap and they would take turns turning pages while weaving the cute little laminated mouse through the slot on each page. This book is hardcover, so it lasts through the years. It even has a pattern on the back of the book, should you need to make a replacement mouse. At around $10(significantly less if you buy it used on Amazon), it is also a great value. There is another book in the series called "A Squirrel's Tale" which is every bit as fun and entertaining.

Where you can Purchase:

**Usborne Books website www.ubah.com or an Usborne Books Consultant for $10.99 (may not have to pay shipping if ordered through a consultant).
**Amazon.com for $9.59 new, or used for $0.01-$6.85 plus shipping

Who are we?

We are members of a national group, American Mothers Inc. AMI's purpose is to strengthen the moral and spiritual foundations of the family and home. AMI is an interfaith, non-profit, non-political organization working as a dedicated force to strengthen the moral and spiritual foundations of the family and home. American Mothers Inc participates in several programs and campaigns such as ABC Quilts, Books for Babies, Mothers Against Abuse, 5th Grade Essay Contest, AMI Blood Drive, Interfaith Alliances, and locally we have been participating in the White Ribbons Against Pornography (WRAP) program. We hold monthly meetings where we discuss parenting using the book The Power of Positive Parenting by Glenn Latham. We would like to use this blog as a place for you to learn new skills, find new friends, ask parenting questions, learn about fun children's books, and link up to other great resources.