Your second option has been around for years. It requires little thought or action on your part. It does, however, have risky side effects that can cause permanent damage and occasionally lead to death. Treatment Two can appear to work quickly, but is less potent as time goes on and gradually makes your condition worse. Both cost the same, and both are available today. Which will you choose?
We have the same kind of choice today as we decide how we will parent our children. Using Positive Parenting requires diligent learning and proactive thinking. It often takes a good dose of patience and self-mastery. But guess what? IT WORKS! Kids behave better, parents enjoy their parenting more, and families thrive in an atmosphere of peace and cooperation. Will things be perfect? Thankfully, no. But they will they get better? Thankfully, yes. If you continue following this blog, hopefully you’ll get some ideas on what to do in a variety of situations—the DOs. We’re going to start, however with the big DON’T—Using Coercion to try to force your children to behave. Much of this material is found in The Power of Positive Parenting, by Dr. Glenn Latham, pgs. 20-22, chapter 12, and in his video presentation, The Making of a Stable Family. All material in quotations is from Dr. Latham. Other material comes from different sources and my own ideas.
Here are 10 reasons to use discipline methods other than coercion!
1. Behavior responds better to positive than to negative consequences. When behavior is measured, children who are spanked continue to behave badly at a greater rate than children who are disciplined in non coercive ways. This has been shown in hundreds of studies. (For example, S.W. Bijou, 1988)
2. Using coercion interferes with the parent-child relationship.
“Pain is not a bonding agent. Rather pain teaches us to avoid the pain giver. The better way is to let social or natural consequences of behavior deliver the message. If the child misbehaves, he deprives himself of desirable privileges; he separates himself from pleasure, and has no one to blame but himself. But when pain is imposed on him, as with a spanking, it is easy for the child to resent the pain giver while justifying the bad behavior. Every lesson has been taught except the right one. Parents, eliminate spanking as a teaching tool. It does teach, but it teaches the wrong thing!”
3. We want our children to learn to feel sorry when they have misbehaved. This takes a soft and open heart. When a child is disciplined with harshness, it is impossible for them not to feel angry and hurt. These emotions are powerful and usually override any remorse or sadness they would’ve felt for the misbehavior.
4. Spanking is more likely to be an out-of-control expression of parental frustration than it is a serious attempt to teach children to behave better. The line between abuse and “discipline” is a hazy one. Much of child abuse starts with spanking and other physical punishment. It is so easy to get out of control when you’re under stress.
5. When children are afraid, they are less likely to understand the message being “taught.” They are too worried about being hurt that they usually miss the lesson you are trying to “teach.” Areas of the brain that activate with reasoning and caring are not active during coercive discipline. Rather, the brain is active in the “fight or flight” areas. They truly cannot learn if they are afraid.
6. Coercive punishments cannot be recalled or modified. For example, a child making a huge mess in the sink may be given a spanking, but when he tearfully says he was trying to do the dishes to help you, the discipline cannot be recalled.
7. Coercive punishments are not portable. Children who are used to getting spanked or berated may misbehave in public because they know their parents will not follow through in front of others. Appropriate discipline is portable—you can use the strategy anywhere and children know what to expect in any situation. It is not socially awkward to discipline appropriately.
8. Coercion, especially physical punishment, often backfires as children get older. If parents have not learned to discipline with non-coercive methods, real family violence can occur as children get older and fight back. When non coercive methods are in place from a young age, disciplining older children is just an extension of previous effective methods.
9. Lying is more common in children who are harshly disciplined. The possibility of pain or fear is so strong, that even kids who would like to be honest have a hard time confessing or admitting out of fear. (For example, Murray Straus, 1997)
10. Using forceful, harsh, and painful (coercive) consequences “modifies behavior only in the short run, and often leads to psychological problems and academic failure.” Many studies show that children who are spanked have a lower IQ score and get worse grades. (For example, A 1998 University of New Hampshire study found that spanking lowers a child’s IQ by four points).
The last word about spanking: DON’T! It is too risky. Keep following the blog for some great skills that will help you treat your children’s misbehavior without all the painful side effects!
Alison Moulton
July 1, 2009
Thank you for posting that! We all need reminders that coercion is not the answer even if our coercion is as small as a scowl or angry look, or as large as physical pain.
ReplyDeleteWell said. I love Latham!