We hope everyone can come to our Christmas Potluck. We'll have our regularly scheduled parenting class, as well as share our favorite Holiday goodies. Please bring a finger-food, treat, or appetizer to share and come ready to have fun.
We have a big announcement to share at the meeting!
See you there!
Date: Tuesday, December 1
Time: 6pm - 8pm
Place: Peckham Community Center 715 Everett St. Caldwell (corner of Kimball and Everett)
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Time-In or Time-Out?
Skill: Time-In
When to use it: All the time, especially if you want time-out to ever work
In a nutshell: Before a parent can ever use time-out effectively, "time-in" has to be well in place. "Time-in" is the fun, reinforcing, safe, and enjoyable environment in your home. When a home has a positive feeling, a child removed to time-out knows he is missing out on the good stuff. If time-out is not going well, maybe it is because "time-in" is lacking. Try increasing the encouragement, attention, physical and verbal affection, and just plain fun that happens at your house. But be careful...having great "time-in" times may just about eliminate your need for much "time-out!"
Try this: How long has it been since the tickle monster visited your children? What about a hungry bear who loves it when children wake him up from hibernation so he can eat them up? Where are your bubbles? Hoola-hoops? Face-paints and funny hats? Today, instead of just finding stuff for your kids to do, PLAY with them! Be silly and enjoy the magic that happens by making a child laugh. What are your favorite ways to play? Share your best!
When to use it: All the time, especially if you want time-out to ever work
In a nutshell: Before a parent can ever use time-out effectively, "time-in" has to be well in place. "Time-in" is the fun, reinforcing, safe, and enjoyable environment in your home. When a home has a positive feeling, a child removed to time-out knows he is missing out on the good stuff. If time-out is not going well, maybe it is because "time-in" is lacking. Try increasing the encouragement, attention, physical and verbal affection, and just plain fun that happens at your house. But be careful...having great "time-in" times may just about eliminate your need for much "time-out!"
Try this: How long has it been since the tickle monster visited your children? What about a hungry bear who loves it when children wake him up from hibernation so he can eat them up? Where are your bubbles? Hoola-hoops? Face-paints and funny hats? Today, instead of just finding stuff for your kids to do, PLAY with them! Be silly and enjoy the magic that happens by making a child laugh. What are your favorite ways to play? Share your best!
Time-In or Time-Out?
Skill: "Time-Out"
When to use it: When a child's behavior cannot be ignored or redirected, or the child's behavior is taking over the situation and has become the object of everyone's attention. Examples may include a child who is hitting other children and interfering with their positive play, or a child who is out of control and throwing objects.
Ages: Best for around ages 2 - 7. Much younger children don't usually get it, and other discipline forms like removal of privileges work better for older children.
In a nutshell:
Don't: Threaten, yell, scare, or become otherwise ugly and mean. You can be firm and still remain in control.
Don't: Threaten time-out. Think about it..."Do you want to go to time out?" is not a very intelligent question.
Don't: Apologize for putting a child in time-out. Appropriate discipline doesn't need apologies.
Do: Use a less-intensive method of intervention when possible, such as changing the mood with humor, ignoring inconsequential behaviors, or using the stop-redirect-reinforce method. When a behavior needs a time-out, be prepared to follow through to the end.
Do: Find a non-scary but totally dull location for time-out.
Do: Say something like, "When you behave this way, you may not be with us."
Do: Lead the child to time-out. Say, "When the timer goes off, if you are behaving nicely, you may come and see me."
Do: Set a timer for 30 sec per year up to age 3, and 3 minutes past calm down after age 4.
Do: When the child completes the time-out and comes to you, smile and say "I'm glad you...." and be about your business. Be positive and MOVE ON.
Try this: Role play "going to time-out" with your child. When things are going well and the emotion is neutral, teach them your expectations. Let them know which behaviors will result in a time-out. Show them where it is, practice going there and setting the timer, and practice coming out.
When to use it: When a child's behavior cannot be ignored or redirected, or the child's behavior is taking over the situation and has become the object of everyone's attention. Examples may include a child who is hitting other children and interfering with their positive play, or a child who is out of control and throwing objects.
Ages: Best for around ages 2 - 7. Much younger children don't usually get it, and other discipline forms like removal of privileges work better for older children.
In a nutshell:
Don't: Threaten, yell, scare, or become otherwise ugly and mean. You can be firm and still remain in control.
Don't: Threaten time-out. Think about it..."Do you want to go to time out?" is not a very intelligent question.
Don't: Apologize for putting a child in time-out. Appropriate discipline doesn't need apologies.
Do: Use a less-intensive method of intervention when possible, such as changing the mood with humor, ignoring inconsequential behaviors, or using the stop-redirect-reinforce method. When a behavior needs a time-out, be prepared to follow through to the end.
Do: Find a non-scary but totally dull location for time-out.
Do: Say something like, "When you behave this way, you may not be with us."
Do: Lead the child to time-out. Say, "When the timer goes off, if you are behaving nicely, you may come and see me."
Do: Set a timer for 30 sec per year up to age 3, and 3 minutes past calm down after age 4.
Do: When the child completes the time-out and comes to you, smile and say "I'm glad you...." and be about your business. Be positive and MOVE ON.
Try this: Role play "going to time-out" with your child. When things are going well and the emotion is neutral, teach them your expectations. Let them know which behaviors will result in a time-out. Show them where it is, practice going there and setting the timer, and practice coming out.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Family Friendly Shopping Week
(October 25 – November 1, 2009)
We’ve all been there…waiting in endless check-out lines with our children. Maybe we’re so worried about keeping them from grabbing gum and snickers bars that we’ve become complacent about the danger placed right at their eye level—the racy images and sexually-charged headlines that surround them as we wait to check out. More than one parent of an emerging reader has been asked, “What does S-E-X spell?” Each month the magazines get worse as the headlines become more illicit and the use of profanity increases.
Since silence equals acceptance, will you join other parents this week and let businesses know we will not patronize their stores at the expense of our children? During White Ribbon Against Pornography (WRAP) Week, please let your voice be heard. Support businesses that do not display material inappropriate for children to see. Let businesses who display these inappropriate materials know that you will not shop there this week. Respectfully ask them to follow the lead of thousands of other stores by covering inappropriate material, removing the material from sight, or creating a “family-friendly” check-out line. You could do this by calling the store manager, writing a note on the comment cards found at most customer service counters, emailing the corporate office for the chain, or visiting the store and speaking directly to the manager.
Please forward this on to others who may be tired of stores selling sex to kids. Let’s get it covered up or moved out this week! For more information, visit www.forevermoms.blogspot.org, a site sponsored by the Treasure Valley Idaho Chapter of American Mothers (a non-profit, non-political, inter-faith organization in support of the family). Learn about WRAP week, comment on your success, find links to great anti-pornography websites, and learn more about protecting children from the effects of pornography.
Join us in shopping “Family-Friendly!”
Alison Moulton
Elizabeth Neratko
Leslie Simmons
Valerie Christensen
We’ve all been there…waiting in endless check-out lines with our children. Maybe we’re so worried about keeping them from grabbing gum and snickers bars that we’ve become complacent about the danger placed right at their eye level—the racy images and sexually-charged headlines that surround them as we wait to check out. More than one parent of an emerging reader has been asked, “What does S-E-X spell?” Each month the magazines get worse as the headlines become more illicit and the use of profanity increases.
Since silence equals acceptance, will you join other parents this week and let businesses know we will not patronize their stores at the expense of our children? During White Ribbon Against Pornography (WRAP) Week, please let your voice be heard. Support businesses that do not display material inappropriate for children to see. Let businesses who display these inappropriate materials know that you will not shop there this week. Respectfully ask them to follow the lead of thousands of other stores by covering inappropriate material, removing the material from sight, or creating a “family-friendly” check-out line. You could do this by calling the store manager, writing a note on the comment cards found at most customer service counters, emailing the corporate office for the chain, or visiting the store and speaking directly to the manager.
Please forward this on to others who may be tired of stores selling sex to kids. Let’s get it covered up or moved out this week! For more information, visit www.forevermoms.blogspot.org, a site sponsored by the Treasure Valley Idaho Chapter of American Mothers (a non-profit, non-political, inter-faith organization in support of the family). Learn about WRAP week, comment on your success, find links to great anti-pornography websites, and learn more about protecting children from the effects of pornography.
Join us in shopping “Family-Friendly!”
Alison Moulton
Elizabeth Neratko
Leslie Simmons
Valerie Christensen
Marketing to Children
(April 2009)
The April 2009 Cosmo cover features High School Musical and Disney Channel star Ashley Tisdale. This is an example of direct marketing to young people. How many little girls, tweens, and teens do you know who are obsessed with High School Musical and its stars? I’m sure this magazine made its way into more than one collection.
The April 2009 Cosmo cover features High School Musical and Disney Channel star Ashley Tisdale. This is an example of direct marketing to young people. How many little girls, tweens, and teens do you know who are obsessed with High School Musical and its stars? I’m sure this magazine made its way into more than one collection.
Sample Cosmopolitan Headlines
(April, May, June, July 2009)
Sorry to print them, but we need to be aware of the headlines that are placed at child eye-level in many store check-out lines. How would you like your kids sounding out these titles? They will continue to print and display such headlines as long as the public continues to accept them.
GET BUTT-NAKED! 50 FUN THINGS TO DO BARE-A##ED
SEX HE CRAVES: WE HELP YOU DISCOVER HIS MOST DIRTY-LISCIOUS FANTASIES—SO YOU CAN DELIVER THE NAUGHTY GOODS
BEST. SEX. EVER. OUR GUTSY NEW TIPS ARE GUARANTEED TO GIVE HIM THE MOST BADA## ORGASM IMAGINABLE. AND YOU TOO!
BE A LUCKY B####! THESE PROVEN MIND TRICKS BRING YOU WHAT YOU WANT
VIRGINS IN COSMO! (WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME)
THESE HOT MOVES WILL START A BONFIRE IN HIS PANTS…AND HIS HEART
SAVE YOUR A## AT WORK
What Can I Do?
The only things necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
—Edmund Burke
- WRAP Week is from October 24 – November 1, 2009. During this time, choose at least one activity to help fight the influence of pornography on our communities.
- Have a Family Meeting to discuss this WRAP information from this blog. Distribute it elsewhere.
- Visit www.moralityinmedia.org to learn about wearing and ordering white ribbons, requesting anti-pornography proclamations from government leaders, providing clergy with information for sermons, requesting legal enforcement of obscenity laws, and making complaints about internet pornography.
- Visit www.strengthenthefamily.net for information on getting a child-friendly resolution passed by your local City Council and asking businesses to cover material not suitable for children.
- Join the Treasure Valley Chapter of American Mothers by participating in the WRAP week “Family-Friendly Shopping Week.” During the period of October 25 – November 1, 2009, shop only at stores that cover or remove material not suitable for children to see, such as Cosmopolitan magazines. In whatever way is most comfortable for you, respectfully let the store know why you won’t be shopping there during this week. You could visit the store manager in person, call on the phone, write a letter or email, or register a complaint on the corporate website. You can find the appropriate place to complain by searching online with “Contact us” and the name of the store. Be sure to also express gratitude to managers who are covering inappropriate material.
- Just do something—because our community’s kids are counting on us!
Why do I Need to Protect My Children From Pornography
As seen previously, children are especially vulnerable to the effects of pornography exposure. Children often form ideas about relationships and sex by images they see in their childhood. It becomes part of them. Here are some ways to help keep children safe from these negative images:
- Keep all inappropriate material out of your home. Children can become desensitized easily.
- Install effective internet filters. There is still a chance of pornography ads or pop-ups making it through, but without a filter, it will certainly show up on your computer.
- Teach children to “Crash and Tell” (from www.strenghtenthefamily.net Role-play with children what to do if inappropriate images appear on their computer or TV screen. Teach children that even though they may be curious about what they see, they need to immediately turn off the screen (crash) and tell an adult. Make sure they know they are not in trouble and they are not to blame.
- Make sure children know that the pornography industry is actively trying to expose them through pop-ups, spam emails, and chat rooms. They know pornography is addictive and they want to bring more people in and to get more money.
- Never allow children to have internet access in their bedrooms. Keep computers in a public area.
- Periodically check the History on your computer to see all sites accessed.
- Don’t give children and teens cell phones with internet access. “Sexting” (sending sexual images by cell phone text messages) is rampant among youth.
- Become involved in encouraging businesses to remove materials with sexual images and messages away from children’s view.
- Fight pornography in your community. Remember, even if you protect your children from pornography in your own home, other children may expose them, and the adults they interact with may victimize them. We need to address this as a community-wide problem in order to protect our families.
- Go to the website: http://www.cp80.org/flash/training/ english07.html for a 5-minute parent training program that helps parents set up safeguards against pornography.
What are the Affects of Pornography?
Pornography is addictive. "The brain processes all images ... as real. These images trigger a chemical secretion of the body's sex hormones while shutting down the left hemisphere's cognition, logic and speech. Erotic images physically restructure, imprint and physically damage the human brain (especially the undeveloped juvenile brain)." (John L. Harmer, president of Lighted Candle Society).
An addict said, “In my eyes cocaine doesn’t hold a candle to this. I have done both. … Quitting even the hardest drugs was nothing compared to [trying to quit pornography].”
According to Charles Keating of Citizens for Decency Through Law, 77 percent of child molesters of boys and 87 percent of child molesters of girls admitted imitating the sexual behavior they had seen modeled in pornography.
Dr. Dolf Zimmerman and Dr. Jennings Bryant showed that continued exposure to pornography led to negative beliefs about sexuality and women and a more accepting attitude towards rape.
The Society of Divorce Lawyers reports that pornography addiction has replaced financial problems as the number one cause of divorce in
For children, the effects reported by Dr. Jill Manning confirm that the harm to mental filters is one of seven primary negative effects of children exposed to pornography. The other six are: Emotional trauma, Having sex earlier, Desiring and pursuing sex apart from emotional attachments, Antagonism toward being married or having a family, Higher risk for sexual compulsions and addictions, and Believing that deviant sex practices are normal and common.
Why Worry About Pornography
WRAP
WRAP stands for White Ribbons Against Pornography. The next few posts are going to be information about WRAP and why it is so important. They will answer these questions: Why worry about pornography? What are the effects of pornography? Why do I need to protect children against pornography? and What can I do?
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Fun way to get your kids to eat their dinner
My children are generally the slowest eaters known to man. What can I say I think they get it from their mother :) There are times we have sat at the dinner table for over an hour to eat a relatively small meal. It drives my husband crazy because he is a pretty quick eater and doesn't want to leave the table until we are all done. Out of desperation we found a new game called "Beat the Clock" What you do is set the timer for 15 minutes, and tell the kids to "beat the clock" and eat all of their food before it goes off. When the timer dings dinner is over. Because our children are still relatively young and 15 minutes is a large number that they don't quite comprehend yet we tweaked it a little. We wait until they start to wind down in their eating and set it for 4 minutes. They think it is great. They have actually started asking to play this game at dinner time. When the timer dings they willingly get down from the table. It is so nice to be able to eat dinner without constantly saying "Eat your dinner" "Hurry up" and so on.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Let's Try That Again!
Skill: Using a Verbal Prompt
When to use it: For sassing, demanding, whining, and other inappropriate child comments.
In a nutshell: Give your kids a chance to self-correct. Simply reminding them of appropriate behavior may be all it takes.
It drives me crazy when my kids use a demanding, sassy, or whiny voice tone. Too often, I find myself responding in the same kind of voice! Have you ever heard a child say, "Get me some juice!" and the parent respond, "Do I look like your servant?" in the same kind of whiny, childish voice tone? It is up to us as parents to set the verbal tone in our homes! One way to do this is to use a verbal prompt. If your little diva demands her dinner, instead of answering in an equally inappropriate voice tone, try something like this: "Can you ask with kind words?" or "Let's try that over again." Will it work every time? Of course not! But for many situations, all the child needs is a little verbal prompting. You may be surprised!
Try this: If (umm....when...) you get a sassy or inappropriate response from your kids today, try your pre-set line such as "Let's try that again." Did they self-correct? Let us know how it goes!
Alison
When to use it: For sassing, demanding, whining, and other inappropriate child comments.
In a nutshell: Give your kids a chance to self-correct. Simply reminding them of appropriate behavior may be all it takes.
It drives me crazy when my kids use a demanding, sassy, or whiny voice tone. Too often, I find myself responding in the same kind of voice! Have you ever heard a child say, "Get me some juice!" and the parent respond, "Do I look like your servant?" in the same kind of whiny, childish voice tone? It is up to us as parents to set the verbal tone in our homes! One way to do this is to use a verbal prompt. If your little diva demands her dinner, instead of answering in an equally inappropriate voice tone, try something like this: "Can you ask with kind words?" or "Let's try that over again." Will it work every time? Of course not! But for many situations, all the child needs is a little verbal prompting. You may be surprised!
Try this: If (umm....when...) you get a sassy or inappropriate response from your kids today, try your pre-set line such as "Let's try that again." Did they self-correct? Let us know how it goes!
Alison
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
AMI is great
A special thanks to all who came to the August 4th class. It was great. I enjoyed all of your comments. I think the one of the best parts of attending the meetings is learning from each of your experiences.
Thanks to Allison for preparing the lesson. You always do a great job!
Leslie
Thanks to Allison for preparing the lesson. You always do a great job!
Leslie
Skill: Be Proactive!
Skill: Be Proactive
When to use it: All the time!
In a nutshell: Take a little time to plan ahead in your parenting. How will you deal with appropriate behavior? How will you deal with inappropriate behavior? When you take time to plan, you save time in discipline problems!
One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Does anyone else ever mother "insanely?" I often find myself in the movie Groundhog Day, reliving the same situations over and over. Like whenever we cross the threshold of any store, my three-year-old automatically needs to go to the bathroom--because I forgot to take her before we left home again. Or when I don't plan ahead on Sunday mornings and spend the last few minutes yelling at everyone to hurry up and get in the car as we finish dressing and putting on shoes on the way. Or even when I know a bedtime tantrum is approaching, but I continue on the same grumpy course of the previous night.
A valid principle of human behavior is that if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. On the other hand, taking a little time to plan ahead and be a PROACTIVE parent can break the repetitious insanity cycle we often find ourselves trapped in. Here are a couple suggestions for shaking things up, and hopefully breaking out of a rut.
1. Change the environment
What can you do to change the environment where problems tend to occur? An easy solution for a toddler who keeps breaking things is to baby proof the house and move anything valuable or dangerous to higher ground. Maybe a teenager will open up more eating pizza over lunch in a restaurant instead of a late-night confrontation at home. Use music to change the environment of your house during mealtimes or cleaning up. My friend Amy Means manages a nightly devotional time with her young children by lighting a candle. The family loves gathering around the flickering light as they spend time together and then blowing it out with a wish when they are done. Another friend, Jennifer Porter, made special pillows for each child to sit on when it was time to read together to help little children stay in one place. These are both great examples of parents being proactive in changing the environment to help manage behaviors.
2. Put it on paper
Take some time to make a list of a few problem behaviors. Next to each problem, brainstorm a proactive solution. Here's one example (that has never, never, happened at my house): Imagine a child who consistently leaves a bike out in back of the car. A reactive solution would be to yell and ask dumb questions like, "When will you ever learn to take care of your things!? Do you want me to run over your bike???" A proactive solution would be to teach the child what you expect, show them where their bike belongs, and then tell them they have the privilege of riding the bike each day when they have put it away properly. If it is not put away, they will deny themselves the privilege of riding the bike for 24 hours. Write this plan down! Then if the bike is left out, calmly follow through with your plan. When we are proactive on paper beforehand, it helps us parent better in the heat of the moment. You're less likely to turn into the Mommy Monster and behave even worse than your kids did.
3. Practice
It may sound silly, but role playing how you will deal with a flare-up is a great way to be a proactive parent. Practice saying things like, "I'm sorry you're sad" instead of "Stop that yelling!" Practice saying, "That show is not appropriate" instead of giving in to the begging and then feeling like a pushover. Practice ahead of time, so you don't have to try to have all the answers when emotions are high.
Try this:
Make your list of triggers and misbehaviors. Write down how you can change the environment or change your response, and then practice being the great mom you want to be! Be PROACTIVE!
Skill: Be Proactive
When to use it: All the time!
In a nutshell: Take a little time to plan ahead in your parenting. How will you deal with appropriate behavior? How will you deal with inappropriate behavior? When you take time to plan, you save time in discipline problems!
One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Does anyone else ever mother "insanely?" I often find myself in the movie Groundhog Day, reliving the same situations over and over. Like whenever we cross the threshold of any store, my three-year-old automatically needs to go to the bathroom--because I forgot to take her before we left home again. Or when I don't plan ahead on Sunday mornings and spend the last few minutes yelling at everyone to hurry up and get in the car as we finish dressing and putting on shoes on the way. Or even when I know a bedtime tantrum is approaching, but I continue on the same grumpy course of the previous night.
A valid principle of human behavior is that if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. On the other hand, taking a little time to plan ahead and be a PROACTIVE parent can break the repetitious insanity cycle we often find ourselves trapped in. Here are a couple suggestions for shaking things up, and hopefully breaking out of a rut.
1. Change the environment
What can you do to change the environment where problems tend to occur? An easy solution for a toddler who keeps breaking things is to baby proof the house and move anything valuable or dangerous to higher ground. Maybe a teenager will open up more eating pizza over lunch in a restaurant instead of a late-night confrontation at home. Use music to change the environment of your house during mealtimes or cleaning up. My friend Amy Means manages a nightly devotional time with her young children by lighting a candle. The family loves gathering around the flickering light as they spend time together and then blowing it out with a wish when they are done. Another friend, Jennifer Porter, made special pillows for each child to sit on when it was time to read together to help little children stay in one place. These are both great examples of parents being proactive in changing the environment to help manage behaviors.
2. Put it on paper
Take some time to make a list of a few problem behaviors. Next to each problem, brainstorm a proactive solution. Here's one example (that has never, never, happened at my house): Imagine a child who consistently leaves a bike out in back of the car. A reactive solution would be to yell and ask dumb questions like, "When will you ever learn to take care of your things!? Do you want me to run over your bike???" A proactive solution would be to teach the child what you expect, show them where their bike belongs, and then tell them they have the privilege of riding the bike each day when they have put it away properly. If it is not put away, they will deny themselves the privilege of riding the bike for 24 hours. Write this plan down! Then if the bike is left out, calmly follow through with your plan. When we are proactive on paper beforehand, it helps us parent better in the heat of the moment. You're less likely to turn into the Mommy Monster and behave even worse than your kids did.
3. Practice
It may sound silly, but role playing how you will deal with a flare-up is a great way to be a proactive parent. Practice saying things like, "I'm sorry you're sad" instead of "Stop that yelling!" Practice saying, "That show is not appropriate" instead of giving in to the begging and then feeling like a pushover. Practice ahead of time, so you don't have to try to have all the answers when emotions are high.
Try this:
Make your list of triggers and misbehaviors. Write down how you can change the environment or change your response, and then practice being the great mom you want to be! Be PROACTIVE!
Literacy: Shoe Box Train Rescue
Here is the literacy activity from our August 4th meeting. It will be fun to get this book from the public library and read it together right before we make our train. It would be fun to read it again while they decorate their box cars. Developmentally this is for a 2-5-year-old child, but my 1-year-old loves pulling anything that has a string attached, she will love this.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Skill: Planned Ignoring
Skill: Planned Ignoring
When to use it: For whining, mild sibling rivalry, attention-seeking behaviors, tantrums, and other annoying but non-harmful child behaviors.
In a nutshell: Pay attention to what you want to see more of. If you don't want a child to repeat a behavior, give it as little time and attention as possible. Parental attention is one of the biggest reinforcers of a child's behavior. For behaviors that are only annoying (sometimes even extremely annoying) but don't hurt people or property, sometime the best discipline is simply to not give the inappropriate behavior any attention. Most of these behaviors (almost 90% of them) will simply go away within 1 min 45 seconds.
Picture this situation. You are in the kitchen making dinner. Your four-year-old comes in and asks for a popsicle. You explain that dinner is coming soon, and it isn't time for popsicles. Can you guess what comes next? Maybe on another planet, the child would say, "No problem, Mom. I'm glad you make sure I get proper nutrition. Can I help you cook while I wait?" At my house, however, there are usually tears and tragedy. "But I waaaaaaaana popsicle! I don't waaaaaaant dinner. I haaaaaaaaaate dinner!" Instead of going into a dissertation about the health merits of carrots versus popsicles, fussing even louder and more inappropriately than your child, or getting yourself all in a tizzy about how ungrateful your children are when you sacrifice to provide such a lovely dinner, try this: Show a bit of empathy and then IGNORE! Say something like, "You'll feel better soon," "It's hard to have to wait for treats," or "I'm sorry you're sad." And then, go about your business. Set the table, stir the soup, turn on the radio, or lift up your chin and sing a song. Don't look at or talk to the one misbehaving. Don't put on the sadness and drama of an aristocrat heading to the guillotine. And then time the misbehavior. Dr. Latham (The Making of a Stable Family) has researched this method and has found that almost 90% of these inconsequential behaviors will extinguish within 1 min 45 seconds. (Some behaviors, like full-blown tantrums, can take longer.) Most behaviors will self-eliminate within half a minute. When the misbehavior ends, use it as a cue to use positive reinforcement by giving attention to the child again. Say something like, "Would you like to taste the soup?" or "I love it when you are with me." Later, find opportunities to role-play the appropriate behavior with your child. Teach your child what you expect them to do when they get a No answer. We'll discuss this proactive teaching strategy later.
Try using Planned Ignoring for sibling rivalry, tantrums, whining, teenage trash talk ("I hate this house! I hate these rules!"), and any other annoying behaviors that don't hurt people or property. You'll save your energy for dealing with the big issues, your kids won't learn to tune out the constant mommy blah-blah, and some of the most annoying child behaviors just might go away. Yea!!!!!
Try this: Make a list of all the things your kids do that drive you nuts. Now, put a star by the misbehaviors that are Consequential (things that hurt people or property). You may be surprised that most of your list is made up of Inconsequential Behaviors--highly annoying but not highly harmful. Choose a couple of these annoying behaviors and write them down where you can see them. For the next couple of weeks, look at these behaviors each morning. Practice in your mind what you are going to say when they occur. Imagine yourself staying in control, keeping your chin up, making a brief empathetic comment, and simply ignoring the misbehavior. How long does the misbehavior last? As you practice this skill, you'll notice the misbehaviors decreasing. If kids learn that misbehavior doesn't get them precious parental attention, they will be less likely to misbehave. Send in your comments and share how it is working! How long do misbehaviors last when you use planned ignoring? Good luck! Remember: Pay attention to what you want to see more of!
Another entry will deal with the other category--Consequential Behaviors. Get ready to stay in control and be consistent!
When to use it: For whining, mild sibling rivalry, attention-seeking behaviors, tantrums, and other annoying but non-harmful child behaviors.
In a nutshell: Pay attention to what you want to see more of. If you don't want a child to repeat a behavior, give it as little time and attention as possible. Parental attention is one of the biggest reinforcers of a child's behavior. For behaviors that are only annoying (sometimes even extremely annoying) but don't hurt people or property, sometime the best discipline is simply to not give the inappropriate behavior any attention. Most of these behaviors (almost 90% of them) will simply go away within 1 min 45 seconds.
Picture this situation. You are in the kitchen making dinner. Your four-year-old comes in and asks for a popsicle. You explain that dinner is coming soon, and it isn't time for popsicles. Can you guess what comes next? Maybe on another planet, the child would say, "No problem, Mom. I'm glad you make sure I get proper nutrition. Can I help you cook while I wait?" At my house, however, there are usually tears and tragedy. "But I waaaaaaaana popsicle! I don't waaaaaaant dinner. I haaaaaaaaaate dinner!" Instead of going into a dissertation about the health merits of carrots versus popsicles, fussing even louder and more inappropriately than your child, or getting yourself all in a tizzy about how ungrateful your children are when you sacrifice to provide such a lovely dinner, try this: Show a bit of empathy and then IGNORE! Say something like, "You'll feel better soon," "It's hard to have to wait for treats," or "I'm sorry you're sad." And then, go about your business. Set the table, stir the soup, turn on the radio, or lift up your chin and sing a song. Don't look at or talk to the one misbehaving. Don't put on the sadness and drama of an aristocrat heading to the guillotine. And then time the misbehavior. Dr. Latham (The Making of a Stable Family) has researched this method and has found that almost 90% of these inconsequential behaviors will extinguish within 1 min 45 seconds. (Some behaviors, like full-blown tantrums, can take longer.) Most behaviors will self-eliminate within half a minute. When the misbehavior ends, use it as a cue to use positive reinforcement by giving attention to the child again. Say something like, "Would you like to taste the soup?" or "I love it when you are with me." Later, find opportunities to role-play the appropriate behavior with your child. Teach your child what you expect them to do when they get a No answer. We'll discuss this proactive teaching strategy later.
Try using Planned Ignoring for sibling rivalry, tantrums, whining, teenage trash talk ("I hate this house! I hate these rules!"), and any other annoying behaviors that don't hurt people or property. You'll save your energy for dealing with the big issues, your kids won't learn to tune out the constant mommy blah-blah, and some of the most annoying child behaviors just might go away. Yea!!!!!
Try this: Make a list of all the things your kids do that drive you nuts. Now, put a star by the misbehaviors that are Consequential (things that hurt people or property). You may be surprised that most of your list is made up of Inconsequential Behaviors--highly annoying but not highly harmful. Choose a couple of these annoying behaviors and write them down where you can see them. For the next couple of weeks, look at these behaviors each morning. Practice in your mind what you are going to say when they occur. Imagine yourself staying in control, keeping your chin up, making a brief empathetic comment, and simply ignoring the misbehavior. How long does the misbehavior last? As you practice this skill, you'll notice the misbehaviors decreasing. If kids learn that misbehavior doesn't get them precious parental attention, they will be less likely to misbehave. Send in your comments and share how it is working! How long do misbehaviors last when you use planned ignoring? Good luck! Remember: Pay attention to what you want to see more of!
Another entry will deal with the other category--Consequential Behaviors. Get ready to stay in control and be consistent!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Fun Activities to do Before Summer Ends
I recently read an article about Activities to do with your children before summer ends and it gave me an idea to start my own list. I thought I would share it here for anyone else that might need some ideas of things to do as the summer draws to a close.
1. Camp out in the backyard. My children love this. Especially when Dad joins in on the fun.
2. Go to a river and skip rocks. We used to do this as kids and would see who could get the most skips.
3. Roast Marshmallows and make s'mores. We like to do this on the BBQ. They don't taste quite the same, but it works great when we aren't camping.
4. Pick a bouquet of wild flowers. My daughter thinks that wildflowers are the best and is always finding beautiful ones for me.
5. Go Swimming. We love to do this as a family. It always makes my kid's day.
6. Get up early and watch the sunrise. Our world is beautiful and kids love to enjoy the colors of a sunrise.
7. Stay up late and tell campfire stories or sing songs around a campfire. We recently sang song around a campfire and my daughter had an endless list of songs she wanted to sing.
8. Go on a hike and see how many different bugs, animals, and plants you can find. Check out a book from your local library that shows plant and animal pictures to help you.
9. Jump in the puddles with your kids on a rainy day. Children love to make messes and it is fun to be a kid again. We don't get many rainy days in Idaho, but it would give us something to do on those occasional days.
10. Run through the sprinklers. My kids love to do this on a hot day and they love it even more if I join in.
I know a lot of these entail water, but we love water. Does anyone have any ideas that I haven't listed here? Please share. We are always looking for something new to try.
1. Camp out in the backyard. My children love this. Especially when Dad joins in on the fun.
2. Go to a river and skip rocks. We used to do this as kids and would see who could get the most skips.
3. Roast Marshmallows and make s'mores. We like to do this on the BBQ. They don't taste quite the same, but it works great when we aren't camping.
4. Pick a bouquet of wild flowers. My daughter thinks that wildflowers are the best and is always finding beautiful ones for me.
5. Go Swimming. We love to do this as a family. It always makes my kid's day.
6. Get up early and watch the sunrise. Our world is beautiful and kids love to enjoy the colors of a sunrise.
7. Stay up late and tell campfire stories or sing songs around a campfire. We recently sang song around a campfire and my daughter had an endless list of songs she wanted to sing.
8. Go on a hike and see how many different bugs, animals, and plants you can find. Check out a book from your local library that shows plant and animal pictures to help you.
9. Jump in the puddles with your kids on a rainy day. Children love to make messes and it is fun to be a kid again. We don't get many rainy days in Idaho, but it would give us something to do on those occasional days.
10. Run through the sprinklers. My kids love to do this on a hot day and they love it even more if I join in.
I know a lot of these entail water, but we love water. Does anyone have any ideas that I haven't listed here? Please share. We are always looking for something new to try.
Friday, July 24, 2009
An Angel Out of Tune
K guys, so these CDs are awesome! I just went on a long car-ride vacation, and listened to them over and over as my children slept. I fell further in love with Latham's Positive Parenting style. It is so awesome. If you haven't had a chance to listen to your CDs from the Celebration of Motherhoom seminar we held, do it! They rock!
The CDs came in one case. It is called An Angel Out of Tune by Glen A. Latham.
Here are a few of my thoughts about a few of the first tracks.An Angel Out of Tune, Music intro.
This song is a little cheesy, but is good is a good reminder that our crying babies truly are angels even when they are crying. It reminded me that they can't tell us what they need, and are just doing their best to let us know they need our help.
Being safe to your children
I LOVED this track. It talked about how important it is that we remain safe to our children and spouse. We are no longer viewed as safe when we scowl, or yell or use pretty much any coercive methods of parenting (or friendship). When we are viewed as safe in our family's eyes, they want to be around us. If we are not safe, they will find others who are safe and they will gravitate toward them. I remember being a teen thinking it was so crazy that some of my friends told everything to their parents. They seemed to be so easy to talk to...now I know why, they were "safe". This track talks about how we can become more safe to our families.
A cup of honey
Latham's mother always told him "A cup of honey will attract more flies than a bucket of Gall." While we are am not trying to attract flies, we are trying to bring something much more precious closer to us, which is our family. We want those emotional ties to be stronger than strong, so our children will always know we are safe and they can come to us. We accomplish this with less time and energy by learning to be just plain nice to our family.
A stitch in time ...saves nine. If we parent right right now, life will be easier as we go along.
The awesome-ness goes on and on. Seriously ladies, listen to it, it's great. Here are the rest of the tracks in order.
It work's in Marriage, too
Mountains out of molehills
What goes around, comes around
Study & See
Just walk away
Shoot the breeze
Keeping a grip on yourself
Be good to yourself, too
As the twig is bent
The one-eyed monster at home
Sharing the word
That would work with me
That behavior is no appropriate
Disorderly conduct
Don't sweat the little things
What does it mean to comply
Time-out or Time-in, that is the question
Whose changing who?
It's worth the risk
An angel out of tune, music ending
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Coercion
Your second option has been around for years. It requires little thought or action on your part. It does, however, have risky side effects that can cause permanent damage and occasionally lead to death. Treatment Two can appear to work quickly, but is less potent as time goes on and gradually makes your condition worse. Both cost the same, and both are available today. Which will you choose?
We have the same kind of choice today as we decide how we will parent our children. Using Positive Parenting requires diligent learning and proactive thinking. It often takes a good dose of patience and self-mastery. But guess what? IT WORKS! Kids behave better, parents enjoy their parenting more, and families thrive in an atmosphere of peace and cooperation. Will things be perfect? Thankfully, no. But they will they get better? Thankfully, yes. If you continue following this blog, hopefully you’ll get some ideas on what to do in a variety of situations—the DOs. We’re going to start, however with the big DON’T—Using Coercion to try to force your children to behave. Much of this material is found in The Power of Positive Parenting, by Dr. Glenn Latham, pgs. 20-22, chapter 12, and in his video presentation, The Making of a Stable Family. All material in quotations is from Dr. Latham. Other material comes from different sources and my own ideas.
Here are 10 reasons to use discipline methods other than coercion!
1. Behavior responds better to positive than to negative consequences. When behavior is measured, children who are spanked continue to behave badly at a greater rate than children who are disciplined in non coercive ways. This has been shown in hundreds of studies. (For example, S.W. Bijou, 1988)
2. Using coercion interferes with the parent-child relationship.
“Pain is not a bonding agent. Rather pain teaches us to avoid the pain giver. The better way is to let social or natural consequences of behavior deliver the message. If the child misbehaves, he deprives himself of desirable privileges; he separates himself from pleasure, and has no one to blame but himself. But when pain is imposed on him, as with a spanking, it is easy for the child to resent the pain giver while justifying the bad behavior. Every lesson has been taught except the right one. Parents, eliminate spanking as a teaching tool. It does teach, but it teaches the wrong thing!”
3. We want our children to learn to feel sorry when they have misbehaved. This takes a soft and open heart. When a child is disciplined with harshness, it is impossible for them not to feel angry and hurt. These emotions are powerful and usually override any remorse or sadness they would’ve felt for the misbehavior.
4. Spanking is more likely to be an out-of-control expression of parental frustration than it is a serious attempt to teach children to behave better. The line between abuse and “discipline” is a hazy one. Much of child abuse starts with spanking and other physical punishment. It is so easy to get out of control when you’re under stress.
5. When children are afraid, they are less likely to understand the message being “taught.” They are too worried about being hurt that they usually miss the lesson you are trying to “teach.” Areas of the brain that activate with reasoning and caring are not active during coercive discipline. Rather, the brain is active in the “fight or flight” areas. They truly cannot learn if they are afraid.
6. Coercive punishments cannot be recalled or modified. For example, a child making a huge mess in the sink may be given a spanking, but when he tearfully says he was trying to do the dishes to help you, the discipline cannot be recalled.
7. Coercive punishments are not portable. Children who are used to getting spanked or berated may misbehave in public because they know their parents will not follow through in front of others. Appropriate discipline is portable—you can use the strategy anywhere and children know what to expect in any situation. It is not socially awkward to discipline appropriately.
8. Coercion, especially physical punishment, often backfires as children get older. If parents have not learned to discipline with non-coercive methods, real family violence can occur as children get older and fight back. When non coercive methods are in place from a young age, disciplining older children is just an extension of previous effective methods.
9. Lying is more common in children who are harshly disciplined. The possibility of pain or fear is so strong, that even kids who would like to be honest have a hard time confessing or admitting out of fear. (For example, Murray Straus, 1997)
10. Using forceful, harsh, and painful (coercive) consequences “modifies behavior only in the short run, and often leads to psychological problems and academic failure.” Many studies show that children who are spanked have a lower IQ score and get worse grades. (For example, A 1998 University of New Hampshire study found that spanking lowers a child’s IQ by four points).
The last word about spanking: DON’T! It is too risky. Keep following the blog for some great skills that will help you treat your children’s misbehavior without all the painful side effects!
Alison Moulton
July 1, 2009
Book Review: There's a Mouse About the House
Series: Slot BooksAuthor: R. Fowler
• Ages: 3 years and up
• Size of book: 6 1/8 x 14 5/8 inches
• Pages: 20
• Ages: 3 years and up
• Size of book: 6 1/8 x 14 5/8 inches
• Pages: 20
Synopsis: A mouse runs through the B. family house looking for some food. He avoids the cat, learns that other mice have already eaten certain items, is announced by the parrot, scares Mrs. B., narrowly avoids Mr. B and his broom, and finally escapes the cat again after a bite of cheese.This activity book features a cardboard character which takes the reader on an exciting adventure as it passes through a slot on each page. The book is designed to orient youngsters toward reading and the story-building process.
--Phil Wade on Amazon.com and Usborne Books
Valerie's Review: Even though my "babies" are 14, 11, and 7 now, this is a book that with always remain on our library shelf as a treasured memory of early childhood. I remember when I could hold them all on my lap and they would take turns turning pages while weaving the cute little laminated mouse through the slot on each page. This book is hardcover, so it lasts through the years. It even has a pattern on the back of the book, should you need to make a replacement mouse. At around $10(significantly less if you buy it used on Amazon), it is also a great value. There is another book in the series called "A Squirrel's Tale" which is every bit as fun and entertaining.
Where you can Purchase:
**Usborne Books website www.ubah.com or an Usborne Books Consultant for $10.99 (may not have to pay shipping if ordered through a consultant).
**Amazon.com for $9.59 new, or used for $0.01-$6.85 plus shipping
**Amazon.com for $9.59 new, or used for $0.01-$6.85 plus shipping
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Who are we?
We are members of a national group, American Mothers Inc. AMI's purpose is to strengthen the moral and spiritual foundations of the family and home. AMI is an interfaith, non-profit, non-political organization working as a dedicated force to strengthen the moral and spiritual foundations of the family and home. American Mothers Inc participates in several programs and campaigns such as ABC Quilts, Books for Babies, Mothers Against Abuse, 5th Grade Essay Contest, AMI Blood Drive, Interfaith Alliances, and locally we have been participating in the White Ribbons Against Pornography (WRAP) program. We hold monthly meetings where we discuss parenting using the book The Power of Positive Parenting by Glenn Latham. We would like to use this blog as a place for you to learn new skills, find new friends, ask parenting questions, learn about fun children's books, and link up to other great resources.
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